Some texts ive been sent

[shepster]

Woman standing nude looks in bedroom mirror and says 2 her husband "I look fat & ugly, pay me a compliment" husband replies "your eyesight's fcuking spot on!

Last night I had a cigar in one hand, a Stella in the other, my c0ck in her mouth and my balls on her chin and I thought "What a great beer"

My wife asked me "do these trousers make my ar5e look fat?" "No" I said "It's all that cake and chocolate you eat that makes your ar5e look fat"

Women are like parking spaces!!
The best ones are taken and the others are either too TIGHT or fcukin disabled

Little Tom's got a thorn in his finger - miss can i have some cider? - Why do you want cider? - Well, my sis says that when she gets a prick in her hand she puts it inside her

Nike have brought out a training shoe just for lesbians.
Called Nikes for dykes, its got a large tongue, and you can get them off using just one finger!

Parts of Liverpool were today closed off after a suspect device was found on a car.......
Police later identified it as a tax disc!!

What do Michael Jackson and Action Man have in common?
They are both white, made of plastic and have small parts that can choke a child.

Man says to wife "I fancy some kinky sex. How about I cum in your ear?"
Wife says, "No, I might go deaf!"
Man says "I've been cumming in your mouth for 20 years and you're still f**king talking!"

Klu Klux Kineval failed in his latest attempt to jump over 127 niggers on his steam roller but was given a knighthood for laying 90ft of tarmac with cats eyes.

Police have dug up Harold shipman's garden, and found a load of Afghan's & Iraqi's dead. The cheeky b@st@rd was doing foreigners at weekends

Scientists had a theory that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To test their theory, they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively loud without making sense, became emotional and couldn't drive.
No further testing was required.

Is your wife/girlfriend a little overweight? If so, encourage her to walk 3 miles in the morning and 3 miles in the evening. By the end of the week the fat cow will be 42 miles away.

[j30l]

[user703]

[user703]

nice avatar J30l

[j30l]

why thank u

[Briggsy]