PETER KAY FUNNIES

[kurgen]

1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I
> > > > said, Thyroid problem?
> > > >
> > > > 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
> > > > Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole
> > > > one and asked
> > >
> > > > him to forgive me.
> > > >
> > > > 3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her
> > > > voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my
> > > > father.
> > > >
> > > > 4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
> > > > wife to go swimming.
> > > >
> > > > 5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I
> > > > don't get on with my real ladder.
> > > >
> > > > 6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
> > > > So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
> > > >
> > > > 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
> > > > names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and
> > > > stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it
> > > > worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
> > > >
> > > > 8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
> > > > probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> > > >
> > > > 9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good
> > > > partner, you'd better have a good hand.
> > > >
> > > > 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
> > > > neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should
> > > > be enough.'
> > > >
> > > > 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made
> > > > out of meat?
> > > >
> > > > 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
> > > > nervous and give the wrong answers.
> > > >
> > > > 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Peter Kay's questions...
> > > >
> > > > 1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get
> > > > undressed?
> > > >
> > > > 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
> > > > down to the core of the earth?
> > > >
> > > > 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> > > >
> > > > 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your
> > > > arse?
> > > >
> > > > 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
> > > > you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an
> > > > alcoholic'?
> > > >
> > > > 7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> > > >
> > > > 8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains
> > > > for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
> > > >
> > > > 9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to
> > > > a horrible crisp no one would eat?
> > > >
> > > > 10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
> > > >
> > > > 11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think
> > > > I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes
> > > > out'?
> > > >
> > > > 12. What do people in China call their good plates?
> > > >
> > > > 13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
> > > > but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom
> > > > is?
> > > >
> > > > 14. What do you call male ballerinas?
> > > >
> > > > 15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
> > > >
> > > > 16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
> > > >
> > > > 17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
> > > > from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
> > > >
> > > > 18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
> > > > billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they
> > > > tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to
> > > > make sure?
> > > >
> > > > 19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
> > > >
> > > > 20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
> > > > gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks
> > > > his head out
> > >
> > > > of the window?
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Peter Kay's Universal Truths
> > > >
> > > > 1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> > > >
> > > > 2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> > > >
> > > > 3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is
> > > > when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete
> > > > stranger.
> > > >
> > > > 4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
> > > >
> > > > 5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits
> > > > 55378008 into a calculator
> > > >
> > > > 6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
> > > >
> > > > 7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
> > > >
> > > > 8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not
> > > > to have a fire in your back garden.
> > > >
> > > > 10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
> > > >
> > > > 11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
> > > >
> > > > 12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
> > > >
> > > > 13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
> > > >
> > > > 14) Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy
> > > > ball.
> > > >
> > > > 15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
> > > >
> > > > 16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your
> > > > school.
> > > >
> > > > 17) the most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to
> > > > call your teacher mum or dad.
> > > >
> > > > 18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill
> > > > you at the first given opportunity.
> > > >
> > > > 19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches..
> > > >
> > > > 20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed
> > > > half way through and then raced against the flush.
> > > >
> > > > 21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
> > > >
> > > > 22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
> > > >
> > > > 23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
> > > >
> > > > 24) You never ever run out of salt.
> > > >
> > > > 25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
> > > >
> > > > 26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
> > > >
> > > > 27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when
> > > > you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
> > > >
> > > > 28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
> > > >
> > > > 29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has
> > > > had their arm broken by a swan.
> > > >
> > > > 30) the most painful household incident is wearing socks and
> > > > stepping on an upturned plug.
> > > >
> > > > 31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
> > > >
> > > > 32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin
> > > > piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.
> > > >
> > > > 33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
> > > >
> > > > 34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
> > > >
> > > > 35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
> > > >
> > > > 36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not
> > > > putting it in a fruit salad.

heard a lot of them but still funny!!
dave

Priceless..

Moved to the Jokes section

[user515]

This email must be doing the rounds, I got sent it the other day. Good stuff!

[JPO]

Originally Posted by Traction Man

This email must be doing the rounds, I got sent it the other day. Good stuff!

I thought I'd seen it before .........