Female Guinness Book Of Records

[user515]

From the latest edition of the Female Guinness Book of Records.....



Car Parking
The smallest kerbside space successfully
reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m
(63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard
parking spaces, by Mrs. Elizabeth Simpkins,
driving an unmodified Vauxhall
Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She
started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in
Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully
parked within three feet of the pavement 8
hours 14 minutes later. There was slight
damage to the bumpers and wings of her own
and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop
frontage and two lamp posts.

Incorrect Driving
The longest journey completed with the
handbrake on was one of 504 km (313 miles)
from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn
(GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd
April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two
miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on
to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the
rear wheels. This journey also holds the
records for the longest completed journey
with the choke fully out and the right
indicator flashing.

Shop Dithering
The longest time spent dithering in a shop
was 12 days between 21st August and 2nd
September 1995 by Mrs. Sandra Wilks (GB) in
the Birmingham branch of Dorothy Perkins.
Entering the shop on a Saturday morning, Mrs.
Wilks could not choose between two near
identical dresses which were both in the sale.
After one hour, her husband, sitting on a
chair by the changing room with his head in
his hands, told her to buy both. Mrs. Wilks
eventually bought one for 12.99, only to
return the next day and exchange it for the
other one. To date, she has yet to wear it.
Mrs. Wilks also holds the record for window
shopping longevity, when, starting September
12th 1995, she stood motionless gazing at a
pair of shoes in Clinkards window in
Kidderminster for 3 weeks two days before
eventually going home.

Jumble Sale Massacre

The greatest number of old ladies to perish
whilst fighting at a jumble sale is 98, at a
Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West
Yorkshire on February 12th 1991. When the
doors opened at 10.00am, the initial scramble
to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being
killed in a crush at the first table. A seven-
way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore
dress costing 10p which escalated into a full
scale melee resulting in another 18 lives
being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf
then ensued and quickly spread throughout
the hall, claiming 39 old women. The jumble
sale raised 25.28 for local boy scouts.

Talking about Nothing
Mrs. Mary Caterham (GB) and Mrs. Marjorie
Steele (GB) sat in a kitchen in Blackburn,
Lancs. and talked about nothing whatsoever
for four and a half months from 1st May to
7th August 1978, pausing only for coffee,
cakes and toilet visits. Throughout the whole
time, no information was exchanged and
neither woman gained any new knowledge
whatsoever.
The outdoor record for talking about nothing
is held by Mrs. Vera Etherington (GB) and her
neighbour Mrs. Dolly Booth (GB) of Ipswich,
who between 11th November 1983 and 12th
January 1984 chuntered
on over their fence in an unenlightening
dialogue lasting almost 62 days until
Mrs.Booth remembered shed left the bath
running.

Gossiping
On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a
close friend of Agnes Banbury popped round
for a cup of tea and a chat, during the
course of which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the
strictest confidence, that she was having an
affair with the butcher. After Mrs.
Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs. Banbury
immediately began to tell everyone, swearing
them all to secrecy. By 2.30pm, she had told
128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had
risen to 372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon,
2774 knew of the affair, including the local
Amateur Dramatic Society, several knitting
circles, a coachload of American tourists
which she flagged down and the butchers wife.
When a tired Mrs. Banbury went to bed at
11.55pm that night, Mrs.Blatherwicks affair
was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338
people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to
visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147
workers at the Department of Social Security,
Longbenton. At their annual Christmas
celebration at a night club in Newcastle-Upon-
Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl
Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was
immediately followed by 146 other members of
the party. Moving as a mass, the group
entered the toilet at 9.52pm and, after
waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs
37 mins later.

Film Confusion
The greatest length of time a woman has
watched a film with her husband without
asking a stupid plot-related question was
achieved on the 28th October 1990, when Mrs.
Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to
watch The Ipcress File. She watched in
silence for a breath-taking 2 mins 40 secs
before asking Is he a goodie or a baddie,
then, him in the glasses?, revealing a
staggering level of ignorance. This broke her
own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2
mins 38 secs of 633 Squadron before
asking Is this a war film, is it?.

Single Breath Sentence
An Oxfordshire woman today became the first
ever to break the thirty minute barrier for
talking without drawing breath. Mrs.Mavis
Sommers, 48, of Cowley, smashed the previous
record of 23 minutes when she excitedly
reported an argument shed had in the
butchers to her neighbour. She ranted on for
a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds
without pausing for air, before going blue
and collapsing in a heap on the ground. She
was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a
wheelbarrow but was released later after
check-ups.
At the peak of her mammoth motormouth
marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680
words per minute, repeating the main points
of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her
neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and
tutted. The last third of the sentence was
delivered in a barely audible croak, the last
two minutes being mouthed only, accompanied
by vigorous jesticulations and indignant
spasms.

PMSL!!

Nice post TM! :beerjug:

[JPO]

Not bad ............

More jokes, I'm 'moody' at the moment ,,,,,,,, please...