Stages of drunkeness and sobriety

#1 02-04-2005, 06:57 PM

Does this ring any bell's

THE FIVE STAGES OF DRUNKENNESS

Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known
universe. You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your
knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT.
And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes
for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire
bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing
that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you
are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under
the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can
buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of
money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because
of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will win all your bets.
It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy
drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING
person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those
with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can
hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people
who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no
fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH and Hell-
you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything,
because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the people
who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in the
room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to
fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs
because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know
ALL the words.

AND THEN YOU SOBER UP...

Stage 1 - Stupid
As you regain consciousness and begin to enjoy a flood of sensations only
dimly remembered from previous hangovers, such as the pneumatic drill
headache, cloying nausea and Guinness/Tetley/Baileys/ [add tipple most
consumed night before] Two-Step, you realise that you have lost not only
several hours of your life but the ability to concentrate on anything.You
are now officially stupid and will probably stay stupid until you get onto
your third rasher sandwich.

Stage 2 - Ugly
Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first
thing you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less
attractive than you thought previously possible. Not only has the combined
effect of the booze and smoky / sweaty atmosphere given you a glorious
collection of spots but you've either left your makeup on over night or are
shaking so much that you now look like you've shaved with a sanding block!
Unfortunately you are still too stupid to know better than to try and shave
whilst shaking or to remember the necessary beauty tips to paper over the
cracks.

Stage 3 - Poor
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the
door when you discover that the money you got from the cash point to last
you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being stupid, you have no
idea what happened to it but the smell of curry on your coat/duvet leads
you to suspect that you may have treated an entire rugby team to curry and
lagers at some point. Alternatively your pocket will have been picked or
you will have given the taxi driver a 20/50? note by mistake.
Rationalising that you couldn't possibly have been that stupid and that you
would remember being mugged, you come to believe that you were the only one
who bought any drinks all night and start to loathe all humanity.

Stage 4 - Made of Glass
As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the
characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect plummets.
Your already fragile physical condition is made worse by this until you
think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled at all roughly.

Stage 5 - Circus Freak
Luckily, any non-hungover person can spot this condition and its cause from
a great distance. Even better, they know that they can complete your misery
by parading you in front of your colleagues/family/friends, shouting at you
and insisting that you drink things with whole eggs and Worcestershire
sauce in or eat greasy food as ?its the only thing that will make you feel
better?. You are too stupid to know where to hide and too conspicuously
ugly to get away with it, too poor to buy Alka Seltzer and too fragile to
hit them!