Guinness heads

[user630]

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BAS**RD!!!!"

[user630]

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on ,in Evos , at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their Evos are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims,'' may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: '' no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

[user630]

An English man, Irishman and a Scottishman are sitting in a pub full of people. The Englishman says, "The pubs in Engerland are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free". Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer. The Scottishman says,"..yeh. dat's quite good but in Scottland you can bay one drrink and get another 2 for free." Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer. The Irish man says "Yer two pubs are grand, but dey arent as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom fer a ride"
The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to me sister."

[user630]

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life." Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing. The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." "I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your money is holding out?" "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred pound note" he replied. The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?" Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?" The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

[user630]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father." The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall." Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to got to heaven?" "Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father." The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?" O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."

[user630]

Finnegan, drunk as usual, staggers into Church, enters the confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The good Father coughs a few times to get his attention, but Finnegan just sits there. Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.

Finnegan yells, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

[user630]

A priest took a sabbatical to a fishing lodge. On the
last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and
proceeded to reel it in. The guide holding a net, yelled
"Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!" Son,
I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!
No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is. A Son of a
Bitch fish!
Really? Well help me land this Son of a Bitch!
Once in the boat, they marveled at the monster.
Father, that is the biggest Son of a Bitch I've ever seen.
Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.
What should I do with it? Why eat it of course. You've
never tasted anything as good as that Son of a Bitch!
Elated, the priest headed home to the church. While
unloading his gear, and his prize catch, Sister Mary
inquired about his trip.
"Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!"
Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"
It's ok Sister. That's what kind of fish it is. A Son
of a Bitch fish!
Oh, well then what are you going to do with that big
Son of a Bitch?
Why, eat it of course. The guide said nothing compares
to the taste of a Son of a Bitch.
The Sister informed the priest that the Pope was
scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should
fix the Son of a Bitch for dinner.
"I'll even clean the Son of a Bitch", she said.
As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
What are you doing Sister?
Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for
the Pope's dinner. Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset!
Please watch your language!
No, no, no. It's called a Son of a Bitch fish. Really.
Oh, well in that case I'll fix up a great meal and that
Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you've
finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.
On the night of the Pope's visit, everything was
perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal, there was
wine, and the fish was excellent.
The Pope said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"
"I caught the Son of a Bitch!" proclaimed the proud priest.
The Pope's eyes opened wide, but he said nothing.
"And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!" exclaimed the sister.
The Pope sat silent in disbelief.
And the friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a
Bitch, using a special recipe!"
The Pope looked at each of them. Slowly a big smile
creeped across his face, and he said....
"You fu`kers are alright!!"

[user630]

last one.............

Mother Superior at the Convent of St Agnes got all of the nuns together for
a little meeting, for something had come up. She said, "Sisters, we've
discovered a case of syphilis in the house!" Whereupon little sister Mary
Catherine clasped her hands together and fell to her knees and exclaimed,
"Oh, thank the Lord! We've all been getting so tired of Church wine!"

[Tuppy]

pmsl at the son of a bitch joke matey nice one