compliant

[roey]

TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER

BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE

Dear Mr. Thatcher

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years,
and I
appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm)
or
Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or
salsa
dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach
in
tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your
revolutionary
Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize
how
crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe
and
secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the

curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting
right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently
surging
through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and
I'll
be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly
with

knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?


As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen

quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the
bloating,
puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings,
crying
and out-of-control behavior. You surely realise it's a tough time for
most
women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent
urge
to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just
because

he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.


Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is
just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the
reason for my letter.


Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to
reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and

there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy

Period."


Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really
think
happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable?


Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak
girl,
there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to
jack
yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just
so
you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle
and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God,
pull
your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a
maxi
pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually
pertinent,
like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?
- Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective
immediately,
there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take
my
maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your
Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending

bullsh1t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


Best,

Wendi Aarons

[kat]

Spot on that Sean mate.